All products featured on Allure are independently selected by our editors.
However, we may receive compensation from retailers and/or from purchases of products through links in this article.
Welcome toDoing It, a column where sex educator Varuna Srinivasan explores the deep connections between sex and emotions.
Getty Images
This month, they speak with people in long-distances marriages about how they make the non-traditional living arrangement work.
When it comes to marriage, our perception of success often draws from what a traditional marriage looks like.
You know: Two people who are monogamous living with their children in a single-family home.
But when you look at thestats, a non-traditional living arrangement is rarely cited as a reason for divorce.
You know what is, though?
A lack of commitment and unrealistic expectations about what it means to be married.
As such, many couples today are rewriting what success looks like for them when it comes to marriage.
Sheryl Lee Ralph is perhaps the most famous person advocating for this bang out of arrangement.
I know what you must be thinking: But Varuna, thats Hollywood!
It wont work for us normies in the real world.
Oh, but it does.
TheEconomistreported that over 4 million married couples in America are in long distance relationships, Dr. Schwartz says.
Theres a myriad of reasons why a couple might choose this.
I wont pretend that this arrangement is guaranteed to work for everyone.
When are you going to live together?
What happens when you have children?
Such ideas only downplay the love and intimacy that is present in long-distance relationships.
I get skepticism when folks first hear we dont live together full time.
Hayley and her husband have been together for five years and married for one.
Luckily, the skepticism usually fades once Hayley answers peoples questions.
When I explain why it works for us, people typically get it, she says.
It helps that he travels for work for most of the year.
A partnership like this can only work when there is an equal investment from both parties.
Hayley advises couples to ask themselves why they think living apart would be beneficial to the marriage.
Ask yourself: What am I looking to get out of it?
Dr. Schwartz encourages couples to look into defining their romantic and emotional personalities.
It benefits couples to be as thorough and detail oriented as possible when discussing the possibility of living separately.
Commit to having many talks about thisto discuss fears, potential insecurities, and logisticsbefore moving forward.
She suggests asking questions like Is each home totally open to the other person at any time?
or Can a partner drop in unannounced or at the spur of the moment without needing permission?
Putting these boundaries in place before the move can help prevent unpleasant surprises.
It takes a lot of structure and planning to make the relationship work.
We make an effort to fly to family events when we can.
One undoubtedly positive side effect of the time apart?
Our sex life has also been amazing, she says.
Hayley’s experience is backed up by science.
Its common in any relationship for people to lose sexual interest in their long term partner.
In these moments, technology can play a big role in helping people feel connected.
(Dr. Schwartz is on Aryas advisory board.)
And know that long distance also has its fair share of hard moments.
Hayley mentions that she still has times where she gets lonely and really misses her partner.
He has his own life.
I have my own life.
He has his own real career; I have my own real career.
He has his light to stand in, I have my light to stand in.
Hes doing his thing.
I get to do my thing.
Get it, Sheryl.
