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Welcome toDoing It, a column by sex educator and writer Varuna Srinivasan.
Bella Geraci/Allure
Polly* firstattempted to masturbateat the age of 30.
“It took me many years to realize I might be some brand of asexual.”
I didn’t really feel represented by educational materials and diagrams.
Varuna Srinivasan
Sex therapistColby Agostinellisays that it can happen quite early for some folks.
“We begin masturbating as young as three or four years old,” they explain.
Many disclosed feelings around shame and guilt no doubt, shame was a big part of my journey.
Varuna Srinivasan
Muffled or silent orgasms brought on by waves of guilt.
Not surprisingly, a lot of people shared that they just did not feel ready or have any interest.
There are dozens of reasons why someone in their late teens or early 20s may not masturbate.
It could be as simple as not having a strong sexual desire to do so.
Asurvey of 5,865 participantsasked respondents about their masturbation frequency.
By contrast, the survey reported that “most of the women masturbated once a week or less.”
The journey to discover our sexual needs & wants can last a lifetimeand that’s OK.
Still, shame around masturbation runs deep both emotionally and in a historical sense.
For Sukriti, relationship circumstances played a big role.
“Before that, I always had a partner available,” she recalls.
That’s when he discussed masturbation with me and I am glad he did."
Polly’s partner, knowing she was inexperienced, was very supportive and willing to test the waters atherpace.
For Polly, this initial foray was lessfireworksand more…well,work.
Asked about the results of her first experience, she recalls, [It was] a little frustrating!
But I couldn’t quite make sense of what I was doing or find anything that felt good.
It didn’t satisfy the aroused feeling I was having.
It can feel overwhelming if youre already buying a bunch of sex toys.
Many of us have no idea how our bodies work or what pleasure looks like.
Normalizing the way our genitalslook, feel, and smellis key to rewriting any toxic narratives we have created.
How to Start Your Self-Exploration Journey
Taking your time is both totally fineandvery common.
Take me, for instance: I am a 32-year-old bisexual Asian woman working in sexual health media.
“The urge to try is rare, but I think I owe it to myself to try.”
This year, add some sex goals to your list of resolutions.
It is vital to remind your partner that masturbating is not a threat to your relationship.
Sex therapy can be a useful tool, too, especially in overcoming relatedsexual traumaand shame.
The first thought was, “Wow, why I didn’t know this before?”
This proved true for Sukriti, who shares that masturbating helped improve her relationship with herself.
“I like how I feel about my body,” she now says.
“It also gave me more confidence in my relationship with my husband.
The first thought was, ‘Wow, why I didnt know this before?'”
The journey to discovering our sexual needs and wants can last a lifetime and that is OK.
It’s a deeply personal journey that is all your own.
Polly admits that masturbation can still feel elusive at times, but she remains hopeful.
*Name has been changed
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