My homework for the week was to say no and I couldn’t stop apologizing for it.
“I’m the driver, and I want to listen to Dua Lipa.
(My bad.)
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I need a few more days.”
(Okay, in this case I actually was sorry.)
I know that no means no.
No is, as Instagram infographics have informed us for years, a full sentence.
ShowslikeEuphoria, Insecure,andSex Educationall have intimacy coordinators on set.
If you consider the 130-plus years of film history, it’s a relatively new job.
But there have always been behind-the-scenes advocates they just weren’t always getting paid for it.
“It is possible to escape this trap.
Dr. Steinrock says she’s become much better at asserting boundaries throughconsidering consent.
Ithelps me be conscious and courteous, she says.
“I can protect myself and set boundaries for how I want to be treated.”
My IDC class consisted of me and a few dozen folks getting together on Thursday nights.
The instructors were all working intimacy directors and coordinators.
We played games that revolved around saying no.
We learned the basics of what an intimacy professional does: advocate, liaise, and choreograph.
Many of us came to class with the best intentions.
We wanted to keep people “comfortable.”
That’s a mistake, our teacher said.
“The biggest misconception is that intimacy directors and coordinators are the sex police,” Muasher tells me.
“We are not here to say no to everything and censor content.
Our goal is to find a way to get to yes while working within everyone’s boundaries.”
Intimacy professionals, I learned, are the facilitators between a performer’s boundaries and a directors vision.
The steamiestmoments of my life have not exactly been congenial.
After all, we were going to bed, not a UN conference.
Things were awkward, reckless.
Weird sounds were made.
But I was able to go there only because I could openly communicate with the person I was with.
I’m getting better at saying them.
It’s almost like learning to speak for a second time.
And you know what?
I’m not sorry.
This story originally appeared in the December 2022 issue of Allure.
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