All year long, we’re bringing you essays from fascinating folks turning 30 this year just asAllureis.
(Think of it as a joint birthday party.
Depending on where you are, I’m already 30.
SM Entertainment
Technically, I turn 30 on September 23, butin Korea, I’m actually already 301.
When I was younger, I thought I would be someone’s husband or a father by now.
Thirty years old seemed so grown-up.
SHINee in 2012 with Key on the far right
My parents got married when they were 28.
I’m already late.
I can’t even imagine that now.
SHINee’s game-changing “View” look
I didn’t think I’d still be a singer at 30, actually.
When I looked at other artists I noticed by 30 most of their careers would start to dwindle.
I didn’t think I would still be doing this so actively.
But, you know, I still feel like Im 18 years old.
But inside of my heart, I had this personality fighting to get out.
There was a fire.
My mother is a nurse and my father was a financial investment advisor.
At 15, I started auditioning for SM2behind my parents' back.
After my SM audition, I sat my parents down and told them I want to bean Idol.
(I didnt actually get it, though.)
My parents were really shocked.
They’d never seen that side of me before.
“You’re such a shy kid,” they said.
“it’s possible for you to’t be a star.”
They couldn’t believe what I was saying.
I felt like my parents were rebelling against me.
But I slept well.
I envied the trainees who lived in Seoul.
They could come to the company every single day.
I was desperate for every lesson and rehearsal.
I cried a lot on the train.
I never got to rest on weekends.
And still, I wanted to practice more.
There was this uncertainty of [my] future.
I had to check that this went well so I could debut4.
But I was so sure I could.
I could imagine myself onstage.
I really believed in the power of visualization and manifestation.
I even do so now when I pick songs.
If I can’t visualize it, I usually won’t want to do it.
I have to see the song in order for me to make it real.
3A flowering metropolis about a three-hour drive south of Seoul.
4"Debuting" describes placement in a group, usually after years of training.
When I debuted [with SHINee5in 2008], it was nothing like I imagined.
I was shy, quiet Key.
In the beginning, I couldn’t get used to that.
It was the exact opposite of how I felt.
We didn’t create [SHINee].
We were a produced group.
We had a set image and songs that went along with it.
It wasn’t until 2015, seven years after my debut, that our staff asked for our opinions.
I think that was the epiphany moment, like, Okay, I need to make these decisions.
I realized I wasn’t sure what to choose.
TheOddalbum, [which was released in May 2015], was memorable.
Other groups mostly wore uniforms.
So our look for “View"was shocking6.
Going onstage with those outfits for the first time, I recall thinking,Thisis SHINee.
Beauty and fashion became tools for me to emphasize certain things about myself.
6SHINee borrowed from the androgynous, baggy aesthetic favored by skaters and their girlfriends.
I was brought up in a very conservative, traditional household.
My parents wouldn’t even let me pierce my ears.
That was a symbolic moment for me, seeing no need for boundaries.
I would look at what2NE17was wearing during a performance and be like, Oh, that looks really cool.
I would wear that.
I modeled for Jill Stuart Accessory Korea.
In the photo, I was holding a bag.
I wanted to look so natural that anyone could say, “I love how that bag looks.
I want to buy it.”
In March 2019, I took a break from SHINee to enlist in the military8.
I was discharged last year, in October.
And I’ve noticed I’m not asking others for their opinions or advice.
I’m trying to make my own decisions.
I’m not afraid of failure anymore.
The more important thing is to be confident and not ashamed of anything I do.
Im not scared of losing things money, fame, or whatnot.
I want to be true to myself.
I have a shy side, but I also have this louder, extroverted side, too.
I’m learning how to embrace everything these two sides of myself as my whole identity.
