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Plastic surgery and I have never really gotten along.
Ana Jarén
What is there to say?
I just always thought she was a little fake, you know?
Undergoing elective surgery is expensive and painful, but its easier than embracing your so-called flaws, isnt it?
Photo: Nicola Dall’Asen
Thats right: I, abody-image columnistwho preaches self-acceptance for a living, just got a boob job.
Did I cheat, by my own standard?
But I cant deny how much its changed my body imageand more importantly, my day-to-day lifefor the better.
Photo: Nicola Dall’Asen
Historically, Id never spared much thought to my breasts.
Though I didnt like their lack of perkiness, they were relatively small in a way I appreciated.
My C cups had somehow evolved into one B cup and one D cup.
Photo: Nicola Dall’Asen
The asymmetry had advanced enough during our year-and-a-half-long relationship for him to worry about my health.
Thankfully, my gynecologist confirmed shortly thereafter that there was nothing to worry about.
Especially on the left side.
Photo: Nicola Dall’Asen
I knew if I wanted guaranteed relief from this problem, plastic surgery was my best and only bet.
I hesitantly booked a consultation withMelissa Doft, MD, a board-certified plastic surgeon here in New York City.
Id previously met her through work and had seen her less-is-more approach and gentle bedside manner first-hand.
Youre only 30, you should be traipsing around in something skimpy, she joked.
I booked the procedure for January.
Now, shit was real.
At some point, he said, You dont have to justify this to me.
It would be OK if you did this simply because you wanted to.
Somewhere deep down there, I felt shame about the choice I was making.
“I was trying to justify the surgery to myself out of self-judgment.
Somewhere deep down, I felt shame about the choice I was making.”
That was solely a me-thing.
I thought about the couple of other women I know whove gotten breast augmentations solely for aesthetic reasons.
So why did it feel that much more problematic when it was me going under the knife?
It came to me on a random fall afternoon a couple of months after my consultation.
Oh my God, my breasts are going to look like that.
Theyre going to be normal!
I cant imagine myself having boobs that I think look and feel good.
Thats going to be weird.
Im not the kind of person who has good boobs.
Im not the kind of person who has a good body.
I dont have a body that makes life easy.
Having a bad body is part of who I am.
I dont deserve to have good boobs.
Im not being true to myself if Im not struggling with my body.
Nows a good time to mentionmy other chronic pain, pain that isnt related to my sagging breasts.
If you keep up with this column (thank you!
Ive had major spinal surgery.
Ive been in longterm physical therapy five times.
Its neverendingness sometimes leads me to believe my pain is some kind of karmic retribution for being imperfect.
I was jealous of the control they were able to take.
I was taking some of my autonomy back.
I was proving to myself that Idodeserve to have a body that works for me.
As I sit here writing this only a week post-op, Im still in the process of healing physically.
Emotionally, I already feel healed.
Theres no more spillage.
No more awkwardly readjusting my stretched-out sports bra every ten seconds because one boob wants to hog the blankets.
I no longer slouch to avoid drawing attention to my chest.
Are plastic surgery and I ever gonna be besties?
But theres more nuance to plastic surgeryand peoples reasoning for wanting itthan I was willing to acknowledge.
I always appreciated its benefits in special circumstances such asbreast cancer survivorsorgender affirmation.
But seeking plastic surgery for other reasons is valid, too.
Maybe now I can be free of that, too.
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